BY VISITING AND VIEWING THIS BLOG, YOU ARE NOW LEGALLY DEEMED TO HAVE BEEN PUT ON FORMAL, ACTUAL AND BINDING NOTICE OF THE FOLLOWING:
PLEASE BE ADVISED: I am not now, under any circumstances, explicit or implied, presently or previously, including this precise moment in time and going backwards all the way up to and beginning with the instant time began, providing to you on this blog any legal advice.
Likewise, I never will, from this point in time, or at any other moment going forward into the future, which shall run up to and and specifically be terminated when the storied event commonly referred to as “The Apocalypse” occurs (this definition shall include any other same or similar event that results in the full, final and fatal catastrophic end of this world and life as we know it), offer, provide, gift, assign, transfer, or otherwise transmit, telepathically or in any other supernatural form or format, any legal advice to you on on this blog or anywhere else on the internet.
In order for me to provide you with advice on any legal matter, we will first have to enter into a formal attorney/client relationship, which must be initiated by you meeting with me personally, so we may agree upon the terms and conditions of my legal representation and you can sign my standard retainer agreement (and provide me with an appropriate retainer fee–cash, all major credit cards and certified funds are accepted–NO PERSONAL CHECKS), before I will ever offer you, any legal advice that you may rely and act upon.
BUT PLEASE BE FURTHER ADVISED: If the reason you need to hire me is directly related to your previous reliance upon “legal advice” that you obtained from the internet, including from any webpages, blogs or other similar electronic postings or websites of any nature, type or kind, then my retainer fee will be, at a minimum, twice the amount of the historically defined “handsome sum,” depending on the specifics of any previous time you relied and acted upon “legal advice” you also derived from the internet (also known as a “Prior Offense”).
If the preceding section applies to you, please fill out the following contact form, providing specific and particular details about your current problem and if it is related to your reliance on internet “legal advice,” by describing in detail all Prior Offenses you have committed within the last ten years, including the dates of said Prior Offenses and with particularity describe all detrimental consequences you suffered for each Prior Offense you committed.
Your information in the below contact form will be forwarded to me to review and determine if I am able to assist you or if you are foolishly seeking to obtain free internet “legal advice” again by reading this awfully written and obnoxious disclaimer for my blog. If you are, I am obligated to inform you that you may have just committed another event that could be defined as a Prior Offense that could become another indelible mark on your permanent record.